I'm free tonight...

/you're both submissive
//find a Dominant

most men are insecure anymore. society has removed their testicles. live with it.

If it's a problem now, it will be a HUGE problem in marriage. He may be low on testosterone. It's a blood test. If he's not willing to get that to check his levels, then you may have your answer on what to do right there. Also, med school is particularly hard on people. Give it time, see how things go, but do not get married until you are sure. It's easier to break up then to get divorced. See the dude's post from a few threads from earlier today...

Argh_Dammit: most men are insecure anymore. society has removed their testicles. live with it.

But they live in lovely soft three story condos in our purses!

Has he been like this since day one? Maybe you need to just back off and accept it. If you're getting laid when you make the first move, then be happy. Stop making sex so important. Harping on it is certainly not going to help him not be insecure.

Stop pestering him so much and let him come around. When you get up in his business about it, you're just making the problem worse, because a guy with a bruised ego isn't going to be in a sexy mood.

Work on trying to build him up instead, everyone has an ego that needs to be massaged, you'll enjoy the results of that much moreso.

Not being sexually compatible is a deal breaker for a a LTR, sorry.

You're putting pressure on him to make the first move and you've made it a chore to him. You made it something he "has" to do, which makes him less likely to want to do it.

/Hope that made sense
//Wish I had your problems.

And we end up talking/fighting about it every two weeks or so. I would say it's like he can't see how upset it makes me, except he totally CAN... So it's worse, because it's like he's happier watching me fall apart than he would be if he had to make a move on me.

Wow, no pressure on him there at all

I get the whole thing about your self-esteem. Everyone wants to feel desired and you feel like it's one-sided, at least until you make it to bed. But if it's been going on for years and he still waits for you to initiate despite all the fighting and promises, then I don't think he's going to change. I guess it depends on how important this is to you, and whether you are willing to accept it and carry it into your marriage.

a) stop bugging him about it
b) to a lot of dudes, sex and love are completely separate entities; just because he doesn't want to have sex doesn't mean he doesn't love you
c) when your wife always wants it, you can kinda start to get a "she'll want it tomorrow" type attitude and that kinda reduces the fun. Remember, for guys, the fun is in the chase.
d) make sure you tell him about this so he doesn't think you've started getting it from somewhere else. ignore him a little bit.
e) if he never comes around, then time to end that, unless the money is worth it.
f) it's like you're my wife and you submitted this a few months ago. yeah, it's happened before.

And we end up talking/fighting about it every two weeks or so. I would say it's like he can't see how upset it makes me, except he totally CAN...

you know what's good for a guy's sexual confidence? His wife telling him that he's not satisfying her. And hearing it multiple times per month.

So...what's his fark login?

Maybe it's time he talk to his doc about adjusting his SSRI's or anxiety meds, srsly.

Oh and subby, I had a problem with an ex who liked to think she was sexually assertive. It got to the point where whenever I initiated, I got shot down and she only wanted to do the deed when she was in the mood. I quit trying because I'd get worked up for nothing and then the inevitable "why don't you have that hunger for me anymore" conversation came up. Same type of situation as yours where we'd fight every couple weeks about it, I'd explain, she'd say she understood, and nothing changed.

Hardest part of every relationship is being able to look thru the other persons eyes and truly think what they were thinking. Sometimes there's more going on than meets the eyes. From your post about the fights, I don't think you're gathering all of his side to this. There may be an underlying reason you're missing.

Argh_Dammit: society has removed their testicles.

You said testicles in the plural. Hahahaha!

We need to stop thinking it's a man's responsibility to initiate sex.

If the man isn't saying NO when you jump him, then the problem is only in your head and what you THINK a man should behave like.

RubyRed: Not being sexually compatible is a deal breaker for a a LTR, sorry.

This.

Nescio quid dicas: You're putting pressure on him to make the first move and you've made it a chore to him. You made it something he "has" to do, which makes him less likely to want to do it.

That.

He doesn't have your sex drive and you're killing what he does have by turning sex into something that feels like a duty, rather than an enjoyable act to show how much he cares.

Then you feel unattractive becuase he's not taking you, which makes you want him to make a move even more.

Oh, and he's busy and stressed. Some people use sex as a stress reliever, some don't.

You need to have a real talk about frequency of sex and who should initiate. And if you can't agree (and live by it), you should probably move on. The good news is that you have an easy intro for your future personals ad.

"I've been with a Doctor, but now I need a REAL Physical"

Tip: If he does anything vaguely hinting that he wants sex, you jump his bones. Imagine a dog pooping outside for the first time. Regardless of whether he started pissing inside the house, you praise the puppy as much as you can. Even if "he tries one random awkward thing," you jump his ass right then and there, no questions asked. Reward the good activity, don't keep punishing him with annoying/repetitive fights about it.

/Really need to organize my thoughts into one post.

Don't these people realize that Anon-DIT was set up so that you could post details and respond to comments?? WTF?

Jesus christ, dump him already. It's just as easy to fall in love with a man who wants it as bad as you do as it does with one who doesn't.

Honestly, you have all my sympathy, but don't feel bad about dumping him and finding somebody who doesn't make you feel like shit about yourself because you want somebody to want you.

By the way, I've thought this for a long time, and now I'm sure of it: KarmicHoax was put on this earth to give the worst. fucking. advice. ever. Everything I've ever seen her advise comes down to "Transcend the desire to be happy, you'll be a better person for it."

No. You won't. You'll just be miserable. Whatever she says to do, do the opposite. You'll thank me later.

submitter: I've suggested he consider a change in diet, talk to a therapist, talk to a friend, talk to a stranger (post in a forum), journal about it,

oh yeah. Guys will jump on that option. "Dear journal, you're the only one who understands me, journal. Anyway....my fiance is a nagging biatch who I am NOT attracted to at all, and really I am not sure WHAT I was thinking when I hooked up with her that first night I met her at the tractor pull."

Barnacles!: Dear journal, you're the only one who understands me

lol

cattheotherwhitemeat: By the way, I've thought this for a long time, and now I'm sure of it: KarmicHoax was put on this earth to give the worst. fucking. advice. ever. Everything I've ever seen her advise comes down to "Transcend the desire to be happy, you'll be a better person for it."

No. You won't. You'll just be miserable. Whatever she says to do, do the opposite. You'll thank me later.

And everything I've ever read from you has been pure vitriolic assholishness.

Have your weenie timid fiance watch this and learn. (nsfw)

www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fi3DmCD5A_U&feature=channel_page

cattheotherwhitemeat: By the way, I've thought this for a long time, and now I'm sure of it: KarmicHoax was put on this earth to give the worst. fucking. advice. ever. Everything I've ever seen her advise comes down to "Transcend the desire to be happy, you'll be a better person for it."

No. You won't. You'll just be miserable. Whatever she says to do, do the opposite. You'll thank me later.

I'm flattered that you care so much enough to lie & reimagine anything I've said.

Please try reading again. He IS having sex with her. He isn't saying NO. She just doesn't like...eh, never mind.

And everything I've ever read from you has been pure vitriolic assholishness.

Untainted, uncut, no additives or preservatives since 1998. Couldn't afford the pure stuff before then.

Miles_OToole: Argh_Dammit: society has removed their testicles.

You said testicles in the plural. Hahahaha!

hey Miles, it's Tom...from the office down the hall....

Come on over here...I'll fuck you until you're bowlegged

Subby, EIP if you need it.

cattheotherwhitemeat: By the way, I've thought this for a long time, and now I'm sure of it: KarmicHoax was put on this earth to give the worst. fucking. advice. ever. Everything I've ever seen her advise comes down to "Transcend the desire to be happy, you'll be a better person for it."

No. You won't. You'll just be miserable. Whatever she says to do, do the opposite. You'll thank me later.

FATTY FIGHT!!!!!

How long have you been together?

How many times in a week do you have sex?

I've had more than one person talk to me about this kind of thing. First, as a guy, stress can chop your libido into such tiny pieces that you can't even imagine jerking it. It happens. We have to deal with it, yet we really wish we were supermen and could get it to granite anytime we wanted. It isn't as though we don't want the love and kindness of sex, more that we've suppressed it for a while. It isn't you. Keep that in mind.

It's interesting that someone who has claimed over and over again that she is unable to be faithful or build a relationship in any meaningful way has the stones to talk about someone else giving advice.

It's sort of cute.

BTW: Smittina: it sounds like you aren't all that sexually compatible. It tears you up, because you've got a lot of expectations.

You can either accept him for who he is, and accept that you are going to have initiate things, or you are going to have to accept that your partner and yourself aren't sexually compatible, and you have to ask yourself which is more important to you.

You are looking to change who he is. At a basic level. What do you know about the ability of women to change men? How well does that usually work out?

I will leave you with one tiny piece of Zen.

Expect nothing, and you will never be disappointed.

hubiestubert: Expect nothing, and you will never be disappointed.

Dude. That was,like,heavy. I mean whooa. You must be all deep and shit.

It's not the man's or the woman's responsibility to initiate sex, but god damn it we all like and deserve to feel desired once in awhile. No one should have to feel like they are getting laid only because your partner decided to give in this time, like they are doing you some big favor. So, yeah, I don't think that you need to just shut up because you are getting laid when you initiate. I have been married almost 12 years. There's ebbs and flows, but you have to find balance and you both have to be committed to making each other happy.

Being in med school has to be extremely rough on him. No one on TF is going to be able to have the kind of insight into your situation that you do, and most of the advice is bound to be completely rotten and borderline cruel. I would highly recommend working this issue out before you get married- you will probably need to find someone to fully explain your problem to, who can give you real advice or even tell you that you're overreacting.

Oh, and people in relationships, and relationships themselves change all the time. Sometimes at the suggestion of the other person in the relationship. Suggesting change is not per se indicative of some insidious control issue. Do you have a control issue? Who the hell knows, we only have a few paragraphs of text in front of us. But anyways, change can be as simple as asking your partner to stop leaving dirty socks on the floor, to as complicated as your issue. Finding a way to compromise on how you relate to one another is a GOOD THING and the ability of both parties in a relationship to do so, shows commitment and maturity.

Third year meed school student? And she still sees him often enough to recognize him? :P She should count herself lucky for that. Stress is a huge, huge factor here. On the other hand, if he's never been a big initiator, yeah, how's he going to simply change? How'd you meet him, Subby? Did you ask him out?

Yeah, but expect disappointment and you will never be nothing, man.